The strongest hearts have the most scars.
Aristotle said it best:
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.
It is never a good idea to stick to the same regimented routine. Rules are meant to be broken – but take that with a grain of salt. What Aristotle meant here was that in most cases, real geniuses, who are among the top 2% of our nation’s population, often times are the ones to defy the status quo and make literature bite it’s tongue.
- Stare more at the walls than people.
- Imagination never leaves them. Without imagination, they are nothing.
- Leave the group when they find people in them incompatible to them.
- Generally polite, mature, good knowledge about philosophy of life.
- Find uncomfortable to follow the rules.
- Struggle a lot in their work. That is what gives them happiness.
- Lot of self-respect for themselves.
- In silence, they are always happy and peaceful.
- All they need is love. That can attract them strongly.
- Love the company of curious people.
Can debates really lead to any positive outcomes?
Can you really convince someone to change their beliefs?
The answer according to psychology is no, at least in most cases.
First of all let me make it clear that i am not talking about a normal conversation where both people are willing to listen and even change their minds if they were proven wrong but i am rather talking about the emotionally charged debates that take place between people everyday.
People develop certain beliefs because those beliefs allow them to maintain their psychological stability. This is why a threat to any of those beliefs is considered a direct threat to the person’s psychological stability.
In other words when a person gets into a debate he/she might no longer care about what’s right and what’s wrong as much as he cares about maintaining his psychological stability.
While debating a typical person will take a debate very personally because it represents his beliefs, values, personality, opinions and even self worth.
Let me give you more details to make this clear.
What do people do to protect their beliefs
Here are some of the common things humans do to protect their own beliefs:
- 1) Selective perception: If a person wants to believe in something he will discard all the data that proves otherwise and will only focus on the little pieces of data that can prove him right. When a human uses selective perception you will hardly be able to argue with them for they will only see what they want to see and they will ignore everything else
- 2) They develop double standards: In order for a person to maintain his beliefs he will have to develop double standards in order to find a way out when he gets stuck, habing said that developing double standards is essential for some people to maintain their psychological stability
- 3) They see things from one angle: In order for a person to maintain a belief, that helps him become psychologically stable, he will have to look at things from a certain angle and refuse to look from any other angle. In other words a person could claim that a white sheep is black just because admitting otherwise will threaten his psychological stability.
- 4) They will never change their opinion: Even if the person was provided with enough evidence he will still resist the new beliefs and come up with more arguments just to maintain his psychological stability.
People won’t change their minds
People don’t defend their arguments because they care about those arguments but they defend them because losing would result in a serious psychological instability such as loss of self esteem, discovering that they wasted their lives for nothing, realizing that they are guilty…etc.
The reason people defend their arguments fiercely is that they are usually defending things that are much bigger than those simple arguments.
But do all people do that?
Off course not. I believe that there are sane and emotionally intelligent people out there who debate with the purpose of finding the truth. Debates will certainly work with those people. The only problem is that those people are a minority.
People carry negative beliefs about themselves and they also don’t succeed in life for the same reason.
This is how to change negative core beliefs
Before you can know how negative core beliefs are changed you first need to know few things about the inner works of your mind.
If you believed that you have a certain bad personality trait (like for example thinking that you are boring) then certainly you will keep encountering evidence that supports your negative belief not because there are real life evidences but because people give different interpretations to events according to their own belief system.
A person who believes that he is boring will associate all the rejections he gets with the belief of being boring . Now if something happened that made this person think, even for few moments, that he is not boring then he will quickly recall all of the events he interpreted incorrectly and he will give them different meanings.
If after some time another thing happened that forced that person to think that he is boring once again then he will recall all of these events once again and give them the old meanings he initially gave them.
So how can core negative beliefs can be changed?
In the Inner Engineering program, You first need to believe that you are not boring and as a result you will change the structure of your own memories to prove your new belief true.
I am not a supporter of the “think positively and wait for the magic” school simply because it never works. In order to believe that you are not boring you need to do something that proves to your subconscious mind that you are really not boring.
Once you can prove this fact to yourself your core negative belief will be changed and all the memories associated with it will be given different meanings.
In short here is what you need to do to change a negative core belief:
- 1) Impress yourself: Do something that makes your subconscious mind believe that you are really good or in other words impress yourself
- 2) Changing old memories: Once you do the previous step you must then move on to changing the old memories you had by giving them different meanings other than the ones you initially gave them
- 3) Wait: Once you do the previous 2 steps your mind will work on weakening your negative core beliefs and it will help you acquire new positive ones
What happened! I was happy moments ago
You were feeling good or at least not feeling bad then suddenly and without prior notices your mood changed completely. Did that ever happen to you?
Those kinds of mood swings are so common that its impossible for a normal human being not to experience them. For the first instance those mood swings might seem like a mysterious event because they can’t be explained but when you learn how to analyze what’s going on you will no wonder. If you consciously monitor the thoughts that fly in your mind for they can provide a clue on most of the emotional changes you experience.
why do my emotions change so fast
There are three main factors that interact together to change your mood at any given time, here they are:
- 1) External data: You were on your way home feeling good then suddenly saw something that reminded you of the 50,000 INR you have to pay in a week and so you felt a bit worse. Each day you receive millions of bits of information through your different senses. Some of these bits can’t just spoil your day but they can make you feel horrible if you didn’t interpret them correctly and this takes us to the next point
- 2) The meaning you give to the data: If in the previous example you said to yourself something like “I will invest those 50000 INR and get 70,000 INR in return few month later” then this piece of information won’t make you feel bad but on the contrary it will make you feel better. In other words, what’s more important than the data you are receiving is the meaning you give to it
- 3) Thoughts that come from within: Sometimes a flying thought just passes by into your head even if nothing in the external world reminded you of it. Those are sometimes called automatic negative thoughts. Such negative thoughts come from within because of the existence of negative beliefs. Just like rotten food emits a bad smell your negative beliefs result in so many negative thoughts
How can these mood swings be stopped?
Just as you saw a combination of those 3 factors can change your mood from total happiness to extreme sadness in just few minutes. In order to prevent those factors from ruining your mood you must stick to the following tips whenever possible:
- 1) Learn to think consciously: Many of the negative thoughts visit you while you are consciously focused on something else. In other words, in so many cases you might not even notice the thought that triggered the mood change and thus end up feeling bad without knowing why. The first step in preventing those mood changes is to keep an eye on the thoughts that pass through your mind
- 2) How to handle a negative thought: Once you get a negative thought and become aware of it you need to handle it properly because if you didn’t it will be added to the pile of negative thoughts and ruin your mood. The best way to handle those thoughts is to write them down then consciously think of possible ways of ending the problems causing them. Lets suppose you felt bad because you discovered that you have gained weight recently. In such a way unless you take a vow to exercise or reduce your food intake then your mood will change to the worse
- 3) Get rid of the negative beliefs: The presence of one negative belief can release hundreds of negative thoughts per day! Now how many negative beliefs do you have? Did you try to deal with them? Do you have a plan to change them? Even if the external environment didn’t send you unpleasant reminders your negative beliefs can still ruin your mood as a result of the negative thoughts they emit
Competitiveness and testosterone:
Some behaviors cannot be explained in the light of simple seasons for usually more than one reason can come together to result in such behaviours. Competitiveness is one of the psychological traits that can be caused by more than one reason.
While a male with higher testosterone levels should be more competitive than a male with lower levels of testosterone still other environmental factors could make the later much more competitive than the first one.
Yes hormones have a powerful impact on humans but if the environmental factors were strong enough they could actually make a person develop totally different personality traits.
Why are some people highly competitive
A very ambitious person is very likely to be very competitive. An ambitious person would always want to have more resources and as a result he is very likely to keep comparing himself to others all the time. Those comparisons can fuel competitiveness and make that person addicted to winning.
The youngest child is also very competitive by nature , unless of course other environmental factors dampen his ambition. Youngest children usually develop the desire to strive to be better or to even be the best as a result of finding themselves the weakest member of the family.
A person can also become more competitive if people who mattered to him were around. If a man was near his wife during a competition then he might become more competitive as a result of wanting to avoid the shame of losing in front of her.
To sum things up
In some cases one or more reasons could be present together and as a result the person might be extremely competitive.
If a youngest child turned out to be a type A personality (type A personality is the personality type that results from the choice a person makes to deal with these insecurities rather than ignoring them) then this person might be competitive to an exaggerated extent. Now if that male also had high levels of testosterone then this could make his competitiveness ever more vigorous.
Female Competitive Fact:
Female fact that “environmental factors” (Authoritative/Child molestation/Jealousy/Deprivation etc.) play such a role is also the reason why some females are very competitive even though they have much lower levels of testosterone than men.
In short when it comes to a trait such as competitiveness the causes behind it are much more complex than you might have thought. By understanding the person’s past, thoughts and beliefs you can easily find out the specific reasons that led to his over competitivness.
Why do they dislike me?
Do people dislike you for no reason?
Are you wondering why some people hate you?
Do you think that something is wrong with you?
Well there is certainly something wrong.
But the good news is that nothing is wrong with you.
1. You remind them of their failures
Hatred is an emotion that the mind uses to keep a person safe by keeping him away from people who might harm him. If you are successful at anything then some people might feel like losers when they see you and as a result hatred kicks in to protect them. In other words you might be hated because you are really good.
2. You remind them of what they lack
All humans want to be the best among their friends but psychologically unstable ones will hate those who are better than them at anything. You get better grades? You have more friends? You look a bit better? You have a better body? You have a better job? Then you might be hated for that.
3. You Remind them of their horrible past
In the book “The psychology of physical attraction”, explained how the associations we form can force us to judge people on the first meeting. If you reminded a person of someone who was mean to him then you might be hated. The problem here is with that person’s past & not with you.
4. Because they feel worthless
Brave people set goals and achieve them. Cowards run away from big goals then seek cheap victories to feel good about themselves. Some examples of cheap victories are gossiping, putting someone down or bullying someone. All of these actions help a person who already feels worthless to feel a bit better.
5. You remind them of themselves
One of the best defense mechanisms the mind uses to help people deny their personal flaws is to blame someone else for them. In my article Why do people criticize others i explained how people project their own flaws on others to convince themselves that they are flawless.
6. They don’t feel safe around you
People dislike the ones they don’t feel safe around. Those who suffer from anxiety or those who are too afraid to mingle with new people might dislike strangers just because they don’t feel safe around them. They prefer a small circle of friends that gives them the safety they need.
7. They think you are a threat
Sometimes a person might dislike you because he thinks that you are a threat. Cowards and weak people automatically dislike anybody who might threaten their position ( Steal their friends, get a share of the attention they are getting, get the job they are applying for …etc)
What you should do
You should only stick to the people who truly love you instead of wasting your effort trying to win the approval of those who don’t. In order not to feel lonely you need few close friends who really like you and not tens of friends who barely like you.
Finally no one is perfect. Yes you might have some flaws but in many cases people will dislike you because something is wrong with them and not with you.